Cuando...

Dear diary,

Today I felt it - it's happening. I'm falling in love with the blue skies and soaring hawks. I'm enchanted by misty mornings, boys on mopeds, and 75 degree Decembers. I'm tickled rosy by the most amiable neighbors, winding stone streets, lush courtyard gardens. I buzz all over with the vibration of aliveness that these things evoke in me - a buzz I fought so diligently to find in The City but never could.

Here I fortify myself by walking winding stone streets and drinking abuelita's hot chocolate. Here I'm revived by contagious pulsing pop music and health care providers who (honest-to-god!) CARE and have proved it with their power to heal. Here, today, I felt it - the gusto I've been searching for. I know this feeling won't last, and tomorrow may be lackluster again, but I want to remember that it happened. I want to remember how good it felt and, most importantly, to know that it's still possible.
Cuando me enamoro...

Life in the Menagerie

About a month ago things were starting to look up for me in my New York world. I had a couple cool job possibilities (one as an entry-level editing position for an ad company) and in the meantime I was finally making good money as a server. I had also found a studio apartment in my price range on a nearby street in Queens starting April 1. It looked like things were finally coming together... until they didn't. One morning I got up, got some coffee, and within half an hour found out that not only were the jobs were no longer available but my new landlady had gotten a better offer for the studio, so I was out. I grieved over the losses - I had finally thought I was getting somewhere - but accepted it and headed to work. As soon as I got to the restaurant, however, my mood took a downward spiral. To make matters worse I was having difficulty with a coworker so by the time I realized my phone was ringing I was already in tears. My mom was on the other line, there to ask me what had happened and to comfort me. "I guess that's the universe telling you something," she said.

I started making plans to leave New York, to move to Mexico and stay with my parents for a while in an attempt to improve my mental and physical health. I hinted at an impending move to my New York friends, who almost all thought I needed to stick it out longer. "Don't give up!" one told me. I promised them that I wasn't giving up, that if I still actually had a dream to achieve in New York, I would still be working towards it, no matter the obstacles. But something entirely different had happened in my seven months there - I had changed my mind. As much as I liked the social and career opportunities of the city, I wasn't enjoying the environment of it. I had been stressed out, depressed, over-worked, and sick much of my time there. I spent all waking hours trying to forge through overcrowded streets, commuting on florescent underground trains, or at a mind-numbingly busy restaurant. I never seemed to have enough time, could never seem to get enough sleep. I was always wanting more - more time, more money, more space... I began to think these desires could never be sated, and that's when I realized that I couldn't live like that.

If I'm honest, when my New York plans fell apart it was almost a relief. On the one hand it was heart-wrenchingly sad to say goodbye to a dream that I've harbored since I was young. But on the other hand, it was an accomplishment to face the reality of it and discover than in fact this wasn't my dream at all. Where I'd dreamed of working for an influential creative publication I saw a deadline-driven increasingly corporate business that was more about the fight to the top than the quality of the creation. Where I'd dreamed of diversity and cultural exhibits I found ethnic separation, endless status symbols, and money signs. While I'm sure many people have different New York experiences, this was mine. I discovered that these things didn't mesh well with my life philosophy, which is apparently to enjoy my life. I now know I want to have time for myself and my loved ones, to have my main goal be happiness, and that I don't need to struggle for something I don't even agree with. Upon realizing my true desires, I found I was currently headed down the completely wrong track for achieving them. Perhaps the universe really was telling me something...

So I took a U-turn. Lucky for me, my parents currently live in the cute little town of Santiago in Nuevo Leon, Mexico, so my choice was easy. Indeed moves are always rough, and it was especially hard to say goodbye to some of my friends from New York whom I've grown close to. Nonetheless, they understand my need to leave and have been supportive of my decision to move ("Duh. It's Mexico!"). The town where I'm now living is just outside of the bustling city of Monterrey, and it's situated in the mountains. Santiago is ideal - it's full of kind Mexican townsfolk who constantly greet you with smiles on their faces. The town looks traditionally Mexican with lots of arches, stone streets, and buildings painted an assortment of delightful colors. My parents' casita is in a courtyard full of flowers, tall leafy trees (some growing oranges), and walls covered in vines. Other teachers and administration members who work at my mom's school live all around, and we often get together for breakfast, dinner, or happy hour. I've connected with some of these individuals on previous visits, and they are a great bunch; I've been enveloped by a welcoming community. I get to enjoy long talks with my parents, and soon my brother will be living just a three hour drive from here in southern Texas - closer than we've lived to one another in years. I'm eating delicious fresh fruit and mouthwatering Mexican food every day, going for walks with my awesome dog, and I wake up to what seems to be hundreds of birds singing. The leafy canopy in the courtyard provides a great perch for our singing friends, and most days I feel like I've moved into a menagerie.

As to what I DO want to do now, I have no clue. Will I stay here until Fall and get a job teaching at my mom's school? Will I move to Texas on my own for a new adventure in a new location? Will I move home to beautiful Colorado? (Will I ever go to grad school? Will I ever get to live in Europe again?) I still don't know what I want, and get frustrated by it, but I'm appreciative of the good fortune to have options. From my experience in New York, just as in China, I again seem to have crossed out a few more "I don't want"s. Which is at least a step in the right direction. Now it's time to move on to the next adventure, sure to be another excellent learning opportunity, whatever it may be...

Soul Family

There comes a point after living in a place when it’s time to reevaluate your options. Should I continue to live here? Should I consider going somewhere else? What are my prospects here? Or anywhere else?

I’m about to hit the six-month mark of my stay in New York. I’ve been successfully living, working, and occasionally having fun here just as I set out to do. Triumph! On the other hand, I’m constantly struggling with my quality of life here, with feeling overworked, stressed, unbalanced, lonely.

Let me clarify – I’m so glad to have a paycheck coming in; I am extremely fortunate in the friends I’ve made and who have taken me under their wing; and I am well-fed and have a (somewhat) warm place to sleep. Plus, my parents and brother and close friends have done a great job of staying in contact with me. Therefore I have the basics covered. What’s lacking is my confidence in myself that comes from a balanced lifestyle, an enjoyment in daily life, and the comfort of loved ones nearby. I don’t mean to discount the good friends or even the boyfriend I’ve had here. But I don’t think any of them would argue with the fact we aren’t soul mate sort of friends – the kind whose hearts are mirrored in your own. It may sound sentimental, but the most marked part of all my experiences living in different locations, be they college, China, Spain, or my slow year in Cortez, were the unique, beautiful people I spent my time with. People who I consider part of my soul family. I’ve come to realize that having these sorts of people in my daily life is of the utmost importance. The people I know here aren’t any less beautiful; we just haven’t connected as beautifully and seamlessly. In addition, my high stress food industry lifestyle here is something I don’t naturally or easily fit into either, but I also know that I’m making rent and eating and that’s important. I knew that moving here would be difficult and that these basic ingredients were the ones I would need to achieve in order to stay. Now I have achieved them.

It’s time to move forward: while I’ve tried a few different routes of getting into an entry-level publishing position, I haven’t put my heart and soul into it. I underestimated the difficulty of simply living here and the energy I would spend doing so. Nonetheless, I want to give it a last good try before I decide to move on elsewhere. I want to follow the best path for me, and I still aspire to change this experience for the better. Even now I am hopeful that I can make some close friends and work in a place I find fulfilling. However, if I find I am unable to do so in the near future, then it will certainly be time to seek out a new experience in which I better have my needs met, and I have to admit that what lies at the top of that list is, of course, family.

Six Reasons Why I Love my New Neighborhood

If we're friends on facebook, you probably know by now I've had one hell of a couple weeks juggling work, apartment searching, and moving around hostels. I was effectively able to push myself to just keep going despite bad sleep and mental/physical exhaustion, and I recently jumped on the first room for rent that I could actually see myself living in. (It fits a bed, it's clean enough, it has two windows, and no roommates who are smokers or have a fire hydrant collection scattered all across the 10 feet of the apartment)

I'm glad to report that I am now living in Astoria, Queens with some quiet Koreans who study at Hunter College. Here's a photo of the building. My doorway is the white entrance, and I'm on the fourth floor.

My move magically coincided with my day off so I've spent the last 24 hours moving in and exploring the area while figuring out the necessities of life here. It may be soon to say, but I'm overflowing with excitement, so I'm going to do it anyway: I love my new neighborhood! And here are some reasons.

1. It's friendly and comfortable. I first started looking into living in Astoria based on suggestions of multiple coworkers and was especially motivated after seeing a few frightening neighborhoods/apartments in Brooklyn. As soon I stepped out of the subway on my first trip to Astoria, I felt comfortable and relaxed, and as though I fit in.

2. Location, location, location. Astoria is a hop and skip over the East River from Manhattan.

Exhibit A - I live a block away from the subway. I'm three subway stops from the Upper East side of Manhattan, and there are two DIRECT train lines that I can commute to and from work on in less than thirty minutes (already waaay better than my complicated commute from hostels on the Upper West Side).

Exhibit B - My apartment building faces New York City's historic Kaufman Astoria film studios (think Marx brothers, and more recently Sesame Street). For an old-film lover like myself this is quite exciting. On the same block is the Museum of the Moving Picture which is where you will find me on free Friday afternoons. Across the street from this museum is Astoria-born Tony Bennet's Frank Sinatra School of the Arts. My block is one and a half streets away from Queens' Broadway in the other direction, which has lots of restaurants and bars, both classy and inexpensive.

3. It has EVERYTHING. Seriously. Everything. Mind you, the last place I lived was 20 minutes in any direction to anywhere that so much as sold Coke from the hours of 9-5, but still, the convenience is incredible. Within a zero-to-four block radius I have: laundromats, cafes, banks, an international supermarket, tons of ethnic restaurants (that deliver!), convenience stores, liquor stores, discount stores, thrift stores, furniture stores, a HUGE movie theater, multiple subway stops...

4. Culture. Originally settled by Dutch and Germans along with the rest of New York, Astoria (named after John Jacob Astor) has become a home to many waves of immigrants, including Italian, Jewish, and most abundantly, Greek. (Since the 1960s Astoria has claimed home to the highest population of Greeks outside of Greece itself.) Today you'll also find establishments representing immigrants from Ireland, Poland, Bosnia, Mexico, India, Algeria, Central and South America, Egypt, Pakistan, Hungary and Morocco. Without a doubt one of my main reasons to move to the city was because of my adoration for ethnic foods. I've already feasted on souvlaki, Italian ziti, and Thai curry and look forward to much more gastronomical exploration and enjoyment ; )

5. Smiles. As silly as it sounds, there is a different sort of relaxed friendly vibe on this side of the river. Neighborly chatter is common, and smiles are abundant. Girls in shops call me "honey" and "baby" and Greek boys making your dinner like to share stories. And don't forget the charm of grandparents. Thickly-accented scarf-wearing septuagenerian women are quite eager to start up a conversation at the corner store, and grandpas in caps always hold the door for a lady.

6. It's my new home. If for no other reason than the fact that it is my home base in this city I have dreamed of living in, the place where I have a room of my own, the tiny part of the city that gets to be called "Katy," I am embracing Astoria. I truly am so grateful to this neighborhood for giving me my new home and for making me feel welcome. When my Mexican coworker, Ana - who has been a guide to me in many ways, found out that I had nabbed an apartment in Astoria, she jumped up to hug me and with a huge smile said, "Welcome to our neighborhood!"

In Suspension

My mom has told me many times in my life, both in the past and continually now that I've been here, to accept Not Knowing. Not an easy thing to do, but an important one. Right now my life is a national parade of Not Knowing. Each day I struggle with all kinds of uncertainties and trials, the ringleader of them all being not knowing where I'll be sleeping in a few days or what part of town I will call home.

Lately my daily life has been a mix of hard work and tough judgement calls. For example, after much deliberation I left my cafe job yesterday because ultimately the job wasn't a good fit for me and it was impossible for me to work every day and put the energy I needed into finding a place to live. I've never left a job so soon before and I know I won't be making enough now to pay rent, but I decided to do it anyway. Today was my first "day off" since I got my jobs, or my first real day of apartment searching. I ended up only seeing one room (the first one got taken before I got there; the second viewing made me late to the third so we rescheduled) and don't think it was the right one for me. I wasn't sure whether or not I should try and nab it or if I should hold out for the possibility of something a little better. I resolved to continue my search.

The last few weeks I've been constantly suspended between places, between people and appointments, between forms of transportation and jobs. It's hard to think I could be going to sleep tonight with a New York address of my own, but the truth is I opted to wait and therefore to maintain my suspension. I opted to again go through my evening ritual of meeting my dorm-mates, of navigating an unfamiliar street in search of something affordable and tasty to sustain me, of having reliably bizarre hostel dreams that incorporate hard-partying Ukrainians or sharing a tiny studio apartment with four German-speaking girls. I opted for present unease and more challenges in the hopes that just maybe I'll find a better living situation tomorrow, or next week.

As for my friends in the city, I haven't seen any of them. As for sites, if it isn't an underground transit system, a monumental library, or on the way to somewhere I'm scheduled to be, I probably haven't been there. I won't go into all of my daily struggles, but I will sum them up by saying I'm simply suspended in air right now. And I won't be able to focus on much else until I return to a solid footing, until my life has the stability of things like a schedule and a permanent location (perhaps a private shower??)... I'm not going to pretend I'm completely comfortable with all the Not Knowing, but Mom, I'm learning to be.

Work, work, work

I am now on my 10th full day in the city (and my 7th consecutive day of work).

My arrival in New York, after checking in at the hostel, led to making some new international friends and heading together to a nearby pub. I introduced the American sport of beerpong to some Irish and Polish and they introduced me to winning. I met lots of all kinds of people and had a great time. It was a good intro to the city.

The next morning it was incredibly rainy and dreary and I had a hard time getting myself motivated to leave my Upper West Side lair and go out job searching. A phone call to my brother Gus got me inspired and on my way downtown. I had two restaurant interviews, neither of which led to jobs, but I did set up a few more interviews.

The following day I got my first job - as a hostess at a restaurant in SoHo (called Spring Street Natural Restaurant.) I liked the looks of it and went in and applied. The manager immediately hired me and I started training last Friday. Midweek I also picked up another part-time job as a barista at a cafe called The Bean at its new location on Broadway and 12th Street.

Since then I haven't had a single day off, either working or training. It's been crazy but good. My coworkers at the restaurant are really cool friendly people. A couple of them have taken me under their wing and I also have a chance to use a lot of Spanish for the first time in a long time. Plus something exciting is always happening there. (Yesterday we had to close the seating out front because there was a French comedy being filmed on the street.) The cafe on the other hand is a much smaller operation but just as fast-paced. At its location near Union Square it's a refuge for many NYU students, for the creative, the pretentious, the ambitious, the important, the just plain strange...

That's the word for now. Not sure when my next day off will be, but I'd like to use it for apartment searching! Hugs to everyone.

Closing In

This was my first date with Jackson Pollack, Spring 2008. I was in the city for a national college journalism conference and it was my most recent visit. Fellow editors, writers, and designers from our Fort Lewis publication The Indy and I had the time of our lives. I got to meet staff writers for The New York Times and The New Yorker, see another incredible play, do some serious shopping, make friends with some awesome characters, and can you say lunch in Little India? (to mention a few. phew!) I was so sure that I was going to have to move there that I started telling New Yorkers I met that we should exchange numbers because "I'm moving to the city in a few months."

Whether it was months or years doesn't matter because at this point, I'm moving to the city in a matter of hours. My whole life now exists in two bags of luggage and a backpack. And Casie, you should know it involved a three-part elimination process, and only a few shoes and books made the final and most rigorous cut. Still, I was able to fit in 50 resumes, a few essential photos of friends, and 8 dresses including one Get-a-Job-in-NYC dress. (Will let you know if it lives up to its name.) While I may soon be a vagabond - or a voyageuse, if you will - I'm going to at least be a well-dressed one.

Said my goodbyes to Gus tonight (who came down to Rico for the weekend and stopped by the house to help me clean. Thank you kiddo!!) Guess we're really closing in.