Cuando...

Dear diary,

Today I felt it - it's happening. I'm falling in love with the blue skies and soaring hawks. I'm enchanted by misty mornings, boys on mopeds, and 75 degree Decembers. I'm tickled rosy by the most amiable neighbors, winding stone streets, lush courtyard gardens. I buzz all over with the vibration of aliveness that these things evoke in me - a buzz I fought so diligently to find in The City but never could.

Here I fortify myself by walking winding stone streets and drinking abuelita's hot chocolate. Here I'm revived by contagious pulsing pop music and health care providers who (honest-to-god!) CARE and have proved it with their power to heal. Here, today, I felt it - the gusto I've been searching for. I know this feeling won't last, and tomorrow may be lackluster again, but I want to remember that it happened. I want to remember how good it felt and, most importantly, to know that it's still possible.
Cuando me enamoro...

Life in the Menagerie

About a month ago things were starting to look up for me in my New York world. I had a couple cool job possibilities (one as an entry-level editing position for an ad company) and in the meantime I was finally making good money as a server. I had also found a studio apartment in my price range on a nearby street in Queens starting April 1. It looked like things were finally coming together... until they didn't. One morning I got up, got some coffee, and within half an hour found out that not only were the jobs were no longer available but my new landlady had gotten a better offer for the studio, so I was out. I grieved over the losses - I had finally thought I was getting somewhere - but accepted it and headed to work. As soon as I got to the restaurant, however, my mood took a downward spiral. To make matters worse I was having difficulty with a coworker so by the time I realized my phone was ringing I was already in tears. My mom was on the other line, there to ask me what had happened and to comfort me. "I guess that's the universe telling you something," she said.

I started making plans to leave New York, to move to Mexico and stay with my parents for a while in an attempt to improve my mental and physical health. I hinted at an impending move to my New York friends, who almost all thought I needed to stick it out longer. "Don't give up!" one told me. I promised them that I wasn't giving up, that if I still actually had a dream to achieve in New York, I would still be working towards it, no matter the obstacles. But something entirely different had happened in my seven months there - I had changed my mind. As much as I liked the social and career opportunities of the city, I wasn't enjoying the environment of it. I had been stressed out, depressed, over-worked, and sick much of my time there. I spent all waking hours trying to forge through overcrowded streets, commuting on florescent underground trains, or at a mind-numbingly busy restaurant. I never seemed to have enough time, could never seem to get enough sleep. I was always wanting more - more time, more money, more space... I began to think these desires could never be sated, and that's when I realized that I couldn't live like that.

If I'm honest, when my New York plans fell apart it was almost a relief. On the one hand it was heart-wrenchingly sad to say goodbye to a dream that I've harbored since I was young. But on the other hand, it was an accomplishment to face the reality of it and discover than in fact this wasn't my dream at all. Where I'd dreamed of working for an influential creative publication I saw a deadline-driven increasingly corporate business that was more about the fight to the top than the quality of the creation. Where I'd dreamed of diversity and cultural exhibits I found ethnic separation, endless status symbols, and money signs. While I'm sure many people have different New York experiences, this was mine. I discovered that these things didn't mesh well with my life philosophy, which is apparently to enjoy my life. I now know I want to have time for myself and my loved ones, to have my main goal be happiness, and that I don't need to struggle for something I don't even agree with. Upon realizing my true desires, I found I was currently headed down the completely wrong track for achieving them. Perhaps the universe really was telling me something...

So I took a U-turn. Lucky for me, my parents currently live in the cute little town of Santiago in Nuevo Leon, Mexico, so my choice was easy. Indeed moves are always rough, and it was especially hard to say goodbye to some of my friends from New York whom I've grown close to. Nonetheless, they understand my need to leave and have been supportive of my decision to move ("Duh. It's Mexico!"). The town where I'm now living is just outside of the bustling city of Monterrey, and it's situated in the mountains. Santiago is ideal - it's full of kind Mexican townsfolk who constantly greet you with smiles on their faces. The town looks traditionally Mexican with lots of arches, stone streets, and buildings painted an assortment of delightful colors. My parents' casita is in a courtyard full of flowers, tall leafy trees (some growing oranges), and walls covered in vines. Other teachers and administration members who work at my mom's school live all around, and we often get together for breakfast, dinner, or happy hour. I've connected with some of these individuals on previous visits, and they are a great bunch; I've been enveloped by a welcoming community. I get to enjoy long talks with my parents, and soon my brother will be living just a three hour drive from here in southern Texas - closer than we've lived to one another in years. I'm eating delicious fresh fruit and mouthwatering Mexican food every day, going for walks with my awesome dog, and I wake up to what seems to be hundreds of birds singing. The leafy canopy in the courtyard provides a great perch for our singing friends, and most days I feel like I've moved into a menagerie.

As to what I DO want to do now, I have no clue. Will I stay here until Fall and get a job teaching at my mom's school? Will I move to Texas on my own for a new adventure in a new location? Will I move home to beautiful Colorado? (Will I ever go to grad school? Will I ever get to live in Europe again?) I still don't know what I want, and get frustrated by it, but I'm appreciative of the good fortune to have options. From my experience in New York, just as in China, I again seem to have crossed out a few more "I don't want"s. Which is at least a step in the right direction. Now it's time to move on to the next adventure, sure to be another excellent learning opportunity, whatever it may be...

Soul Family

There comes a point after living in a place when it’s time to reevaluate your options. Should I continue to live here? Should I consider going somewhere else? What are my prospects here? Or anywhere else?

I’m about to hit the six-month mark of my stay in New York. I’ve been successfully living, working, and occasionally having fun here just as I set out to do. Triumph! On the other hand, I’m constantly struggling with my quality of life here, with feeling overworked, stressed, unbalanced, lonely.

Let me clarify – I’m so glad to have a paycheck coming in; I am extremely fortunate in the friends I’ve made and who have taken me under their wing; and I am well-fed and have a (somewhat) warm place to sleep. Plus, my parents and brother and close friends have done a great job of staying in contact with me. Therefore I have the basics covered. What’s lacking is my confidence in myself that comes from a balanced lifestyle, an enjoyment in daily life, and the comfort of loved ones nearby. I don’t mean to discount the good friends or even the boyfriend I’ve had here. But I don’t think any of them would argue with the fact we aren’t soul mate sort of friends – the kind whose hearts are mirrored in your own. It may sound sentimental, but the most marked part of all my experiences living in different locations, be they college, China, Spain, or my slow year in Cortez, were the unique, beautiful people I spent my time with. People who I consider part of my soul family. I’ve come to realize that having these sorts of people in my daily life is of the utmost importance. The people I know here aren’t any less beautiful; we just haven’t connected as beautifully and seamlessly. In addition, my high stress food industry lifestyle here is something I don’t naturally or easily fit into either, but I also know that I’m making rent and eating and that’s important. I knew that moving here would be difficult and that these basic ingredients were the ones I would need to achieve in order to stay. Now I have achieved them.

It’s time to move forward: while I’ve tried a few different routes of getting into an entry-level publishing position, I haven’t put my heart and soul into it. I underestimated the difficulty of simply living here and the energy I would spend doing so. Nonetheless, I want to give it a last good try before I decide to move on elsewhere. I want to follow the best path for me, and I still aspire to change this experience for the better. Even now I am hopeful that I can make some close friends and work in a place I find fulfilling. However, if I find I am unable to do so in the near future, then it will certainly be time to seek out a new experience in which I better have my needs met, and I have to admit that what lies at the top of that list is, of course, family.